grief: year one

 Her spirit floated away from me 

Even as I clung to her body

On that rigid hospital bed

“엄마 엄마 엄마 엄마 가지마”

Mom mom mom mom don’t go 

I implored her to stay 

But too late she was already gone 

My brother sniffled, eyes red

Bowing his head, wiping away tears 

My dad exclaimed 

“여보 진짜 간거야?”

Honey you’re really gone?

Daily life was difficult that first year 

Because I saw you in everything, everywhere

The tears came fast and furious 

Whenever I entered a TJMaxx, a Target,

A Korean supermarket  

I could hardly breathe 

as grief hit me like a wall

Buried me beneath a pile of bricks

And other days, when I would remember 

a memory of you and smile to myself 

Whisper under my breath,

“엄마 잘 있지? 보고싶다”

Mom I hope you’re doing well. 

I miss you.

Ordinary Love
June 24, 2013

My Lover called to me
From the garden
He called
To take a walk with me
In the cool
Of the evening
As dusk dawned
Upon the day
And light turned into night.

And I hid in fear
As You drew near
For I had sinned
Sold my soul for an empty lie
Listening to the demons
Of my mind
Tempting me with fantasies
Binding me to secrecy
From You
And all that You held dear.

Including me.

But still You called in that dear sweet voice
And I could not turn away
As dusk dawned in the light of day
I saw You hung upon a tree
You looked at me and said,
“My child, it had to be this way.”

I cried, “My Lord, Why?”

His reply:
“I’ve pursued you from the day you were born
I’ve loved you from your tiniest form
Not a day has gone by when I did not pray
For you to love Me
In the way I've loved you.

I could not give you up to die
So I exchanged your life for Mine
To draw you ever near to Me
That you may live in victory
No longer hiding, no longer in fear
Be still my child
True love is here.” 

My Lover calls to me
From the garden
He calls
To take a walk with me
And dusk will turn
Into a brand new day
As night turns into light.

June, 2013
"He loves you with an everlasting love."

Summer, 2017

i felt you once
in the heat of summer
your bones and brain
almost a part of me
Intertwined, enmeshed, infused
Extended.
i couldn't see
where i left off and you began
as we breathed the same air
inhale, exhale.

We spent hours together
endless conversation
words that never stopped
Filling up the space between us
Spilling over to the next day
And the next
Underneath dim streetlights
On a sidewalk bench
In front of a taco truck
Talking about everything
and nothing alike.

It's cold now.

Those nights are long gone
Expectations no more
Anger to sadness to disappointment
As if promises no longer mattered
Thrown into the wind like empty
pieces of what used to be
Mourning the loss
Of connection
Once friendship
No longer a part of me.

As a lonely bench sits
Underneath a dim streetlight
Dreaming of days past

1 march 2018

love me anyways

sunshine casts a shadow

into early dusk

and cars flood the street

my heart speaks to me

in the shape of a tattoo

stamped on the pavement

she says, 

"love me anyways.

"Love me.

In spite of myself, 

love me.

With my flaws and my doubts,

love me. 

we speak the same language, 

you and I.

I pretend not to notice 

when you walk by,

though my heart beats loudly 

restlessly

hoping for a glance
and one chance
that you will see me."

I wish you'd love me back, i think.

momentary pause

my heart sighs.

i step carefully around you

wishing for the pain to be gone

and continue on. 

Tree Rings

Shared space with your rings today
Up close and personal
Weathered and deep-wrinkled
Scars from a war that time had waged
Upon your
Once perfect concentric circles
Competing for space
Vying for attention
Recognition
On a cracked-out stump
I’m Gazing into a long dark tunnel where no light shines
From the other side at the other end
Is this it?
I ask myself
And wait In silence
For your answer.

Crept closer
Studied the lines
Listened for secrets and
Lost myself in those infinite lines
Part of an intricate design
Going ‘round and ‘round
Cycles in circles
Of life and seasons
The tide washing in and out
You’ve probably seen it all before
In your better days
Felt the wind beating
Against your branches
Rain pouring through your leaves
Sunlight dancing around your shade
Majestically made
Once.

Shelter in the midst of a storm
A place to call home
Shade and warmth
Comfort
Security 
You provided again and again
Life to many
Abundantly
Only your rings a testimony
Remain.

I wonder
What lessons you’d give
What words could suffice
I step back and wait
But the answers don’t come
Maybe I’d wait forever
Or maybe already I know
Nothing’s the same as it used to be
As time simply repeats herself
Carving her history
Into patterns of beauty
Documenting our journeys
Into these…
 Rings on a tree for the world to see.

 6/29/2010 ['Tree Rings' artwork circa Tony Hong]

bloom

- – -

Battered and bruised
broken, abused

Used.

Tossed and left aside
Motionless I’d lie
Wishing I could die
as my mind drifted up to a cloud in the sky

‘twas the only way to get by.

They’d take me and trample me onto the ground
Rip out my petals and shatter my crown
Tell me they’d love me but leave me to die
Blinding my eyes and my heart with their lies

Numb to the pain
‘til nothing remained
all of my efforts to stop them in vain
looking for freedom… it never came

Ashamed.

Someday I hope to emerge from this night
like a flower unfurling herself to the light
shyly I’ll come with my eyes shut tight
hoping you’ll see me
notice my beauty
recreate me
help me to rise
to be redeemed
safe from my past
loved at last

as tears of joy run down my face
warm and safe in your embrace.

escaping the gloom…
and Ready to Bloom.

March 2010

a work-in-progress...

Sun glistened intently upon the waves
Heat burned intensely upon the sand
I peered up at a deep blue sky
Stretching endlessly before me
Plunging into its reflection below
While taking a breath at the horizon
Whose only job seemed to be
Separating one expanse from the other
As deep calls to deep.

My thoughts came and went
Crashing into themselves
Like this and that
And waves crashing onto shore
Seemingly disconnected
One after another

I shielded my eyes from glory
Too big for me
To comprehend
To understand
Deep calling to Deep
I wanted to fly
Away into that space of
Deep blue sky and sea
A limitless expanse on and on
Knowing I couldn’t
I settled merely on the sand
Sat and listened
To my scattered thoughts
While warmth radiated through my hand
And the waves…like my thoughts…danced.

10/05/2009